There has been quite a lot of media about
Anxiety Disorders lately, which is long overdue but good to hear all the same. There's been a fairly strong media presence regarding Depression and Suicide Prevention, but when you think that those disorders are often a consequence of an Anxiety Disorder it's a no-brainer to discuss awareness and prevention.
I watched the
Insight episode on SBS on the topic and actually learned one or two new things (that there are new medications being trialled which aim to assist in anxiety disorder treatments - creating a fertile environment in your brain to record good experiences and positive feelings whilst undergoing cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) etc).
What I'd really like to know is how and why complex Anxiety Disorders develop. Most people with Anxiety Disorders find that
CBT helps them overcome their anxiety. But there are some for whom CBT isn't enough.
Personally, I want to know where in the backlog there was a glitch and how that's messed things up. Right now I think it all comes down to 50% genetic predisposition and 50% environmental factors. I also think that it all began a long time when I was a wee lass and it's progressively grown from there. Throw in some temperamental life experiences (i.e. adolescence and boarding school) and you've got yourself a fool-proof recipe.
I think the time has come to be honest and let you in on a perhaps-not-so-secret. I've been battling Anxiety and Depression for several years now. It all came to a head in my final year studying Graphic Design. I would burst into tears at random, I was shedding kilos from loss of appetite and hiding under the doona day in day out. I had all the classic symptoms and I was
totally confused as to how and why it was happening, not to mention hideously embarrassed.
I was so bad that I had no other choice than to go on medication. I just couldn't function. I saw a GP, a psychiatrist, a psychologist and also a counselor at school. I gradually improved but not much. It took about two years to start getting to grips. In the meantime I finished my Diploma, graduated and started working freelance. But I was still struggling to cope. My psychiatrist moved on from the community health centre I was going to; graduating meant I could no longer see the counselor
and the psychologist I was seeing was quite possibly crazier than I was.
I finally found a psychologist I clicked with and starting making in-roads towards recovery over the next couple of months. But like anything,
for every step forward I'd occasionally take two spectacular steps back. Whenever I stuffed up a design job, or the time my computer failed and I lost
all my work - I just didn't see the point in going on. I had a departure plan that included provisions for my family to access all my online profiles and accounts amongst other things. I hated myself so much that I thought I deserved the self-harm I inflicted on my wrist (umm, terrified of needles, hate cuts and blood...go figure).
Admittedly, that didn't happen very often. But I think it's profoundly sad that I'm just like a lot of other people out there
who think they are a disappointment to the world. Where did this idea come from?
As children many people learnt from a very early age that they needed to become, 'a good nice person'. To become the 'good nice person' they needed to stop the development of who they could be, and became who they thought they should be.
The end result of this is low self esteem, fear of being abandoned/rejected, that people won't love or like us, and feelings of intense loneliness and helplessness. Being who we think we should be, creates enormous personal stress as we try to be perfect in every area of our life, including our inability to say 'no' even when we want and need to. Over time 'something' has to give and the development of an anxiety disorder begins.
That statement certainly rings true for me. Which begs the question "Why the hell are you trying to be an artist?". Well, for
the past 9 years or so I've been studying, training and working to be someone I just can't cope being. The only thing that inspires me to get out of bed in the morning and face the world is the prospect of drawing, creating, stitching and building my little empire of artiness. Self-absorbed and selfish? Maybe. But I'm far happier now than I have been for most of my life. Trying to fit in with 'normal society' with a stable 9-5 job ended up making me depressed and suicidal. Umm, obviously art is working for me, no?
And this is where a change needs to happen. I am sick of being on anti-depressants. I've been on them for over 4 years now. It's bloody expensive and I quite often forget to take them on time, resulting in pins and needles, vertigo and some very bad thoughts.
Changing the way I think along with alternative, complementary therapies are the way ahead for me. It's time to wean myself off the meds and really get to grips with life. It's going to be spectacularly difficult, but then the
greatest rewards in life are never easy to get.
I'll probably still go hide away from the world in my bed, avoid the phone like the plague and take ten thousand years getting around to doing something. It's going to take a
long time and a lot of work to stop thinking I'm useless and a waste of space. But that's ok. Because that's me right now and I can't change overnight. There are squids of other people just like me.
There is no set speed to which life should run and I really resent the idea that we should all be available 24/7, that everything should be done at super-human speed, and that anything less is weak. Oh, and I
really resent the idea that anxiety and depression are still monstrously taboo in the workplace.
I'm sorry world, but screw you - you can take your Apprentice ideology and shove it.
And if you've made it as far as this, kudos to you! You're awesome. I could drivel on for days about all this - it's still not clear in my mind - everything is still interconnected and messy.
If you think you've got some anxiety/depression issues (it's not always just stress), go see your doctor or check out these sites:
